The 1515 Funny One Liners have been extracted from the EBook "1515 Funny One Liners" compiled by Savio DSilva. There are 1515 Funny One Liners in simple point form presented to you in this EBook.
Here are the 1515 Funny One Liners....
01. 100,000 sperms and you were the fastest?
02. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case... coincidence?
03. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
04. 43% of all statistics are worthless.
05. 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.
06. 9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
07. 90% of the men give the other 10% a bad name.
08. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
09. A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man.
10. A bad plan is better than no plan.
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11. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
12. A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
13. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
14. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.
15. A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
16. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
17. A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
18. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.
19. A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
20. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
21. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
22. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
23. A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
24. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
25. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
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26. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
27. A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.
28. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
29. A day for firm decisions! Or is it?
30. A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
31. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
32. A dollar saved is a dime earned. The rest is taxes.
33. A drunk mans’ words are a sober mans’ thoughts.
34. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
35. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
36. A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
37. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
38. A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.
39. A gentleman is a patient wolf.
40. A good pun is its own reword.
41. A happy person is one whose arithmetic is at its best when he is counting his blessings.
42. A hard thing about business is minding your own.
43. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
44. A husband is someone who after taking the trash out gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
45. A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
46. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
47. A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girl’s complexion seem what it isn’t.
48. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”“I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
49. A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
50. A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.
Good Funny One Liners
51. A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman already knows.
52. A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
53. A man who muttered a few words in the church, found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced!
54. A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he wants. A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not want!
55. A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
56. A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
57. A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.
58. A penny saved is not much.
59. A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
60. A pessimist is someone who looks at the land of milk and honey and sees only calories and cholesterol.
61. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
62. A politician will stand for what he thinks people will fall for.
63. A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
64. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
65. A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.
66. A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
67. A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.
68. A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.
69. A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic.
70. A smart man covers his ass; a wise man leaves his pants on.
71. A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
72. A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a pool.
73. A toast to alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
74. A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
75. A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.
76. A weekend wasted isn’t a wasted weekend.
77. A witty saying proves nothing.
78. A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.
79. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the begining of a new argument.
80. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he does'nt. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
Really Funny One Liners
81. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife!
82. Accept it. Your parents HAVE had sex before.
83. According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
84. According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
85. According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.
86. Actual Newspaper Headline: "Birds Make Mess, City Steps In"
87. Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.
88. Adult: One old enough to know better.
89. Adults are just kids who owe money.
90. After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF!!
